Way Too Early SEC Predictions

September is creeping up on us and anticipation for the upcoming college football season is growing by the day. Before we jump into that, let’s not forget what last year brought us, as there were many memorable moments in the Southeastern Conference.

Texas A&M got off to a mighty gross start, partially due to Haynes King, and did not improve much as the year went on. What kind of idiot actually wanted him to be the starter last year? Alabama had a handful of close games and failed to make the SEC championship game, but I’m sure you dimwit fans couldn’t contain your excitement after you beat Kansas State in your bowl game. Auburn and Missouri competed in the ugliest football game I’ve ever seen, both frantically proving why they finished 6th in their divisions respectively. Saddest of all, little did we know that Mississippi State’s Egg Bowl victory would be the last time we saw Mike Leach coach. Rest in peace to one of the iconic coaches in college football.

Brian Kelly brought a new era of football to Baton Rouge, leaving fans hopeful to soon experience the same joy they had in 2019. Josh Heupel and Hender Hooker were one of the premier duos in the conference, bringing us a classic game in their victory over Alabama along the way. Congratulations to the Georgia Bulldogs on their 2nd consecutive championship and for giving us the most unenjoyable title game of my lifetime. I would’ve rather watched Brittney Griner sit in a Russian jail cell for a month straight. Here’s to hoping a new team is crowned champion in the upcoming season.

Now the 2023 season is here, and we’ve begun grooming our brains to be hopeful, anticipating all the exciting days ahead. This is the last year of the SEC as we know it, which brings me to a saddened state everytime I think about it. As challenging as it is to listen to Gary Danielson, we will all miss those primetime games on CBS. No team finished with under 5 wins last year, showing the level of competition is only going up. Now let’s take a look at each team before the opening kickoff gets under way.

Alabama Crimson Tide: Look out football fans, with USF, Middle Tennessee, and Chattanooga set to venture to Tuscaloosa, prepare for these obnoxious fans to cry about their non-conference schedule when Texas gives them a run for their money again. Saban has had mediocre quarterbacks before, but I believe 2023 presents some of the biggest concerns he has had about his quarterback room. Expect the Tide to be in the thick of the West, but I don’t see a team with two new coordinators making it to the playoffs. Record Prediction: 10-2

Arkansas Razorbacks: Oh, the Razorbacks, you dumb pigs, how I hate you so. Why is KJ Jefferson returning? This team is losing a lot of impact players from a year ago, and now their average starter won’t be 28 years old. Anyone with a right mind knows Jefferson will do exactly what he’s done the last two seasons: bulldoze over people occasionally, inciting a way too exotic response from you fans. An easy home schedule will keep them in games, but nothing indicates they will be a better team than they were last year. You ogres, your coach has a 19-17 record, but you swear he is on the coaching Mount Rushmore. You are also the kind of fanbase to swear you “proved the haters wrong” if you win just one more game than predicted. Record Prediction: 7-5

Auburn Tigers: Welcome in, Hugh Freeze. The same Hugh Freeze who coached Michael Oher in high school. Isn’t that current situation something else? I wonder if the Tuohys used any of that money for escort services; wouldn’t that be the perfect complete circle. This team does not have the firepower to compete in year one, but I’m sure there will be individuals claiming this is one of the bigger sleeper teams in the SEC. There’s no shame in rough starts, give it a few years before we start talking about a hotseat. I am mainly excited to see which week they blow a game that they should’ve absolutely won. I’m sure Samford would love to do that for you Week 3. Record Prediction: 5-7

Florida Gators: Since Tim Tebow, only two Florida QBs have been drafted: Kyle Trask and Anthony Richardson. Although having your last two starters get drafted is a good sign, they have accepted this streak will end by bringing in Graham Mertz. Imagine it’s 2006 and you asked your grandmother for a PS3 for Christmas. You get to the big day just to find out she bought you clothes from Costco instead. This is what getting Graham Mertz is. Record Prediction: 5-7

Georgia Bulldogs: I have spent substantial time hoping they will not return to the College Football Playoff. BREAKING NEWS: The Georgia Bulldogs will return to the College Football Playoff anyway. They have a schedule that most college football fans would dream of for their team. With their level of talent, they can spend all of their practices chewing on pork rinds and still get double digit wins. How daunting, your second toughest road game is Auburn. Can we please shut up about Carson Beck until he plays a meaningful collegiate down though? Record Prediction: 12-0

Kentucky Wildcats: Expect wins to come early, but do not buy into the hype as I foolishly did last season. This Wildcats team brings in Devin Leary, a quarterback capable of keeping Stoops and company competitive. Leary has the tools to minimize turnovers and help them compete for 2nd in the East, but this article isn’t about every team's ceiling. The schedule gets rough and they will find themselves in a consistent dog fight. Record Prediction: 7-5

LSU Tigers: The opening weekend game I am most excited for is the rematch between the Tigers and Seminoles. They will spend their second half of September playing familiar foes that will give them their best shot, but expect LSU to be the favored team in every matchup until their showdown against the Crimson Tide. The defense will be stout and returning your starting QB is never a bad thing. Record Prediction: 10-2

Mississippi State: Rivalries aside, we all have a sweet spot for MSU this year, right? Year in, year out, the Bulldogs are shown little respect but find a way to finish the year in the rankings. Led by a first year coach, look for there to be minor road bumps, but do not forget who leads this offense under center. Will Rogers boasts a career 70% completion rate and has improved his touchdown/interception ratio every year. Look for those cowbells to continue raising hell in the middle of the SEC pack. Record Prediction: 8-4

Missouri: The team I forgot to preview last year, but am completely fine with forgetting. Bravo on 6 wins a season ago, but they might not be a betting favorite after September this upcoming season. With the same effort from a season ago, they can sneak their way into bowl eligibility for the 3rd season in a row. Hey Arkansas, since Chase Daniel, Missouri has been a mediocre football program yet has still won 7 of 9 meetings since he was drafted. What a poverty university in Fayetteville. Record Prediction: 6-6

Ole Miss: If you can’t win the SEC West, apparently the meta is to go get one team's 3rd string quarterback and another’s 75-year-old ancient ruin. This is what happened by bringing Walker Howard and Spencer Sanders to compete with Jaxson Dart for QB1. Ole Miss found themselves 8-1 yet managed to lose their final 4 contests of the season, leaving Kiffin wanting more for his team in Oxford. With one of the best running backs in the country in Quinshon Judkins, this offense should do their part. Expect each week to be a dog fight; every team in the West not named LSU and Alabama can be interchangeable in the standings. Record Prediction: 8-4

South Carolina: How do you lose to Florida by 32 then proceed to beat Tennessee and Clemson in back-to-back weeks? Spencer Rattler, the former top prospect who seems to have found his groove, is drawing lots of attention before the season. Don’t let this fool you, as the Gamecocks face holes on both sides of the ball, especially at the line of scrimmage. Beamer’s streak of overachieving takes a halt and USC barely survives to get 3rd in the East. Trust me now: regardless of the line, Dabo and Klubnik will be ready for revenge and cover the spread in this year’s matchup. Record Prediction: 7-5

Tennessee: Joe Milton, one of the biggest question marks under center entering the year. Everyone knows he looked the part against Clemson in their bowl game, but fails to remember he was only 11-21 the prior game against Vanderbilt. He was also benched for Hendon Hooker 2 seasons ago, so let’s not jump ahead of ourselves yet. The defense improved from 2021 to 2022, giving up 6.3 less points per game. I believe 2nd in the East is in order, but I saw a delusional corn meal eating dingbat claiming they’ll go 15-0 on his TikTok live, sending me into a state of rage. Congrats you marsupial look alike, now I hope the Volunteers do worse than expected. Record Prediction: 9-3

Texas A&M: Motorcycle enthusiast coming in to take over play calls. The most security at the QB position to start the year since Kellen Mond. Promising group of wide receivers. There is no doubt this roster will be better than a year ago. The big question is if they can win the tightly contested ones, as they were 2-4 in one score games last year. Week 2 against Miami will serve as a gauge for how the rest of the season will go; will the offensive line show improvement and will careless mistakes decrease? Record Prediction: 8-4

Vanderbilt: Hello sweet child. Even after nearly surrendering 40 points per game in SEC play last year, they were only 1 win away from going bowling. An easy non-conference schedule gives this team a chance to flirt with that idea again in 2023, but wins are tough to come by, especially as the grunt of the litter. The last time this team won more than 6 games, Obama had just started his 2nd term. I don’t expect a single fan to mark these games on their calendar, but those matchups with Florida and Auburn will play a massive part in their postseason chances. Record Prediction: 5-7

Final Standings

West:

1. Alabama 10-2

2. LSU 10-2

3. Ole Miss 8-4

4. Texas A&M 8-4

5. Mississippi State 8-4

6. Arkansas 7-5

7. Auburn 5-7

East:

1. Georgia 12-0

2. Tennessee 9-3

3. South Carolina 7-5

4. Kentucky 7-5

5. Missouri 6-6

6. Florida 5-7

7. Vanderbilt 5-7